


Downward Spiral

by Seeker1937



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Depression, I'm so sorry, JJP era, Kinda, M/M, Self-Harm, This is really sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-07 18:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11064558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seeker1937/pseuds/Seeker1937
Summary: Jinyoung knew how to put on a smile and act like there was absolutely nothing bothering him. He had gotten so good in his act he's managed to fool everyone, but he can't fool himself. The anxiety always creeps up on him and he's no longer able to cope with it as well as before.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a really sad fic about Jinyoung and JB during the JJP days. This is sin, I'm so sorry, I just wanted to write something depressing. It will get better I promise.

It was right after the concert. They had just finished performing “Bounce” for the first time live.  The manager and all the staff said they did a great job and they should be proud, but Jinyoung was too nervous and anxious to be proud. He thought back on all the times that he messed up when he could have done better when he should have put in more energy and more effort into his dancing. He did not feel happy at all, instead, he was in the bathroom head between his knees as he tried to get his breathing from hyperventilating to slightly under ragged.  _ Why? Why am I like this? _ he asked himself.  _ I should be happy I should be celebrating like everybody else!  _ But lately, the stress has been too much for him, he felt like he was being consumed by his worries of messing up and letting down JB and everyone at JYP who supported them.

After he had managed to get his breathing under control he stepped out of the bathroom stall and splashed some water on his face. By the time he finally left the bathroom he found a worried JB looking for him.

 

“You alright? You’ve been gone awhile.” JB asked eyeing him as if to make sure he was alright.

“Yeah, yeah. Just tired.” Jinyoung half lied, he was far from alright but he was tired.

“Okay, well we are leaving now so let’s go.”

“Okay!” Jinyoung perked up at the thought of finally being able to go home.

The car ride home was nice. Their manager talked about their performance and about the commentary he heard on it, he then proceeded to tell them that they will be able to sleep in tomorrow but then it is right back to their regular schedules. Jinyoung only half listened at that point, he knew JB would fill him in on anything he missed that was important. For now, it was nice just to sit and feel the moving car and the strong muscles of JB’s arm and shoulder on which he was resting his head. JB wasn’t the cuddling type usually but sometimes when he knew Jinyoung really needed it he would let him snuggle up to him like this. Right now Jinyoung really needed it. He still felt like a wreck from his little breakdown earlier but he refused to think about it because right now he was next to JB who was letting him snuggle and he won’t let anything ruin that.

He must have dozed off in the car because the next thing he knew he was being shaken awake and the first thing he saw were those beautiful dark eyes meeting his. He couldn't help but smile and JB smiled back, probably glad that he finally woke up.

“Come on sleepyhead. It’s time to get out of the car and go to bed.”

He pulled Jinyoung out of the car and onto his feet then let go of him so he could make his way to the dorm. Jinyoung missed his warm touch but he knew that was all the skinship he was going to get for tonight.

Once inside the dorm, he went straight to their shared room as JB had called dibs on the shower. So Jinyoung made his way to his bed, he didn’t bother changing or taking off his makeup. He just flopped down on the bed as all his anxieties washed over him again regarding the last few hours.

 

_ Could I have danced better? _

_ Was my voice okay? _

_ Did my face look okay? _

_ Did it look happy and like I was having fun? _

Jinyoung knew he could put on a happy face and fool everyone into thinking that everything was fine and there was absolutely nothing troubling him. It was a skill he had perfected. Right now though he could not keep up the smile and cheery disposition. He felt his stomach in knots and his throat constricting, it was becoming hard to swallow and he eyes stung with tears that were bound to come. _ Stop! Stop it! Stop being like this!  _ He screamed in his head willing the pain to go away. He can’t remember when it started to get this bad but his anxiety levels were never this high before JJP, but then again he never had anything that had so much on the line if he fucked up.

 

He was just about to give into the tears when he heard the water shut off and hurried to lie flat on his front, face buried in his pillow so JB wouldn’t see him like this.

  
“Yah! You can’t sleep like that you’re still dressed in your stage clothes. You should go shower and change.” Jinyoung looked up to notice a half-naked JB in front of him as he looked for a clean shirt to put on. Jinyoung always admired his body and how toned and broad-shouldered he was.

“Yeah, I know. I was just waiting for you to finish your shower.” Jinyoung reluctantly got up and trudged to the shower no longer able to watch the lovely sight as JB had put on his shirt.

“Hit the lights on your way out, I’m going to sleep,” JB asked already getting under the covers.

“Okay. Goodnight.” Jinyoung said as he gathered his things and walked out the room shutting off the light.

“Night,” JB replied.

Once in the shower, Jinyoung turned on the cold water and stepped inside. The water was too cold and he was uncomfortable but he knew he’d get used to it soon. Once his body adjusted more to the temperature he started to scrub away the day, along with all the makeup and hairspray and sweat. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t wash away the regrets and the mistakes of the day. If you asked anyone if he actually had anything to regret or made any huge mistakes they’d say no but Jinyoung knows. He knows on the inside that he did and he wishes that he didn’t. He wishes that he wouldn’t over analyze and over dramatise everything in his head. He makes the most minor things into a stress evoking nightmare.  _ I just want it to stop, _ he thinks to himself,  _ I just want these thoughts to stop already _ .

His body has since gone numb from the shower and his fingers are turning white. He decides it is time to get out of the shower and get dressed. Instead, he stands in only a towel wrapped around his waist and stares at himself in the mirror. He tries to smile but the image looking back at him is too real. He is so good at putting on a smile that he almost fools himself into thinking he is alright and happy. Right now he feels numb and it's not from the cold war. He hates it when the numbness comes over him, it is even worse than the pain. At least with the pain, it is something he can grasp and process. But when it is numbness he doesn’t know what to do or feel because he can’t feel anything.

It is times like this that he is weak and in need of some sort of feeling to overcome the numbness and the other pain. A different kind of pain, one with a source and reason and more tangible than either of the two. It is in a moment like this that he grabs for the small knife he keeps hidden in his toiletries bag at home.

He takes the knife out and stares at the blade.

_ I said I wasn’t going to do this again. I was going to stop. I need to stop. _

He slashes once at the side of his thigh, not enough to draw blood. He stares at it, ashamed of his ill attempt and tries again. He slashes another time in the same spot. It’s too weak and only leaves a red line on his thigh.

_ Fuck! _

He’s angry with himself now for not being able to do it successfully and or even trying to do it at all. He slashes again harder this time and it draws blood. He watches as the blood begins to trickle out and he gets even more frustrated. He lets all his anxieties out on his thigh as he keeps slashing away. He misses cutting himself on all but two attempts and even those are not deep. He never makes them deep enough to impact his walking or dancing and the red marks fade within a day or two. The others take a little longer.

He sits on the edge of the tub and watched as the blood trickles down his legs and eventually stops at his knee. He’s sobbing, letting out all the tears he’s been holding back all day. The pain in his head and chest are rising to meet the pain in his leg. This pain feels good, it is distracting and with a clear reason. He did this to himself and he knows why he is in pain. He begins to clean up his leg and puts ointment on his wounds to help them heal faster. The blood has stopped by now and he’s washed away the evidence and cleaned the knife. He gets dressed and goes to back to bed.

By the time he returns JB is fast asleep and breathing calmly. Jinyoung gets under the covers and lies on his good side so that he is facing JB. He looks at his hyung’s sleeping figure in the dark and remembers their time in the car when JB let him snuggle up to him and sleep on his side. Jinyoung wishes he could cuddle with him like that now. And just like that his tears return and he turns to lie on his other side, feeling the stinging in his leg.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung has a good day for a change.

 

The next morning Jinyoung awoke with a mild stinging in his leg and a headache.  _ Great,  _ he thought,  _ just what I need to start the morning.  _ He rose from bed and proceeded to go to the bathroom to shower. It hit him that he couldn’t remember when they had schedule today, their manager said they could sleep in but he missed when they were supposed to get up. He noticed JB was still asleep in his bed so he figured it’s safe to go and shower without rushing. 

 

In the shower he let the cold water wash over him as it cooled his body and eased his headache.  _ Maybe today won’t be so bad.  _ He proceeded to washing his hair and body being careful with his thigh but trying not to look at it. He never wanted to look at it after it happened. He knew there were marks, some fading some only healing. He gently cleaned them staring at the wall pretending not to notice the pain. Once he got out of the shower he would put more ointment on them, get dressed and forget that they were there. 

 

__

 

The day started around noon. They had lunch, went to practice their dancing, vocal training, snack, more practice and then dinner. The day flew by for Jinyoung and he was happy that he was preoccupied with something all day that he knew he could work on. He liked the everyday practices because it didn’t feel like he was being watched or judged but that he could try his best and if he messed up he would just get up and try again. The pressure of being on stage and having only one shot to do it perfectly was nerve wracking. Plus during practices they had more chances to goof off until someone told them to settle down and get back to work. 

 

Jinyoung loved how JB can be so determined and focused at one moment and then silly and playful in the next. He lived for the moments when they were dancing and JB would look over at him and make a funny face. Jinyoung would always smile and then cover his mouth as he felt a laugh coming on. Then he would give JB an equally ridiculous expression back and they would both laugh. Sometimes this turned into a competition as to who could make the funniest face. The loser is the one who is laughing so hard he can’t make anymore funny faces. Jinyoung almost always lost. He could make some ridiculous duck faces and contorted expressions but they could never match up to JB. 

 

“I’m going to win one day” Jinyoung said one day after a game, still trying to catch his breathe on the floor. 

“I’d love to see that!” JB replied with a smile, knowing the other was probably bluffing. 

“No really, you’ll see. And you’ll be amazed!” Jinyoung said getting off the floor. 

 

JB made a sound of agreement as he contorted his features into another funny face and had Jinyoung laughing on the floor all over again. 

 

 

Jinyoung was pulled out of his happy daydreaming when the car came to a stop outside their dorm. They were finally home for the evening.

 

“Hey it’s not late yet wanna eat some ramen and watch a movie?” JB asked as they made their way inside.

“Sure.” Jinyoung instantly replied. “Do you have anything in mind that you want to watch?” 

“Nothing in particular. You?” 

“Let’s watch Harry Potter!” Jinyoung said excitedly. He’s been trying to get JB to watch them for weeks now after finding out that he’s never seen a single one. 

“That's going to take hours though” JB whined. 

“We can just watch one. I promise.” Jinyoung begged. “I’ll cook the ramen and do the dishes after.” 

“I don’t know.” JB did not want to give in but Jinyoung was giving him the puppy dog eyes. 

“And I’ll clean the dorm again this time too.” Jinyoung pleaded as he got closer to JB, resting his head on his shoulder and looking up at him with big eyes. 

“Deal. But if it takes too long and I fall asleep it’s not my fault and you have to hold up your end of the bargain.”

“Then I guess I’ll just have to keep you awake!” Jinyoung said excitedly poking at JB’s ribs where he knew the older was ticklish. 

“Yah stop!” JB said laughing as he tried half-heartedly to push Jinyoung away. 

“Okay okay.” Jinyoung said as he grabbed his things and went to shower. 

“Hey, who said you get to shower first?” JB inquired. 

“I’ll be quick. That way I can cook the ramen and set up the movie while you shower.” JB nodded at this as if agreeing and let him go. He proceeded to stretch out on his bed and turn on some music. 

 

Jinyoung felt quiddy in the shower. He was excited to spend the evening watching a movie with JB and finally getting him to watch the first Harry Potter movie. He thinks he’ll like it. Jinyoung has told him about the books on several occasions and even though he feigned disinterest he never stopped Jinyoung from talking about them. This meant that he at least liked something about them. 

 

He made his shower short trying to wash off the sweat of the day so that he can get out and start on dinner. He was scrubbing his legs when he came across some stinging on his left thigh. He looked down without meaning to and saw the red lines from last night. The soap was irritating them and causing the sting. The smile he’d been holding on his face fell and he proceeded to shower without looking down at them again. When he got out he toweled off and got dressed in basketball shorts and a t-shirt. He looked at himself in the mirror and saw that he was scowling. 

 

_ Stop.  _

_ Put the smile back on. _

_ You’re going to have a nice night.  _

_ Don’t think about it. _

_ Don’t look at it.  _

_ Forget it’s there.  _

 

He left the shower with a less than convincing look of cheerfulness and made his way to the kitchen. 

 

“I want spicy ramen.” JB called before making his way to the bathroom to shower. 

“Okay!” Jinyoung shouted back and the smile returned as he remembered their plans for the rest of the evening.

 

Once JB was out of the shower and the ramen was done they sat down to watch the movie. 

 

“You ready?” Jinyoung asked excitedly. 

“I guess.” JB sighed pretending that he wasn’t the slightest bit interested in it when in fact he was a little curious, but he wouldn’t tell Jinyoung that. 

 

Jinyoung starts the movie and they began to watch.

 

JB didn’t ask many questions throughout the film but on occasion he would pause it and Jinyoung would have to go into a detailed explanation about the wizarding world, magic, and how Harry's life is awful at home but we just have to accept it and keep watching because it’ll get better. Despite not being excited at the beginning of the film Jinyoung could see that JB was really getting into it by the end and they even proceeded on to the second film. 

 

At some point Jinyoung had stopped watching the movie and started watching JB. He looked so relaxed sitting on the couch with his lounge clothes on and hair tousled from the shower. He took out all but two of his piercings. These two were small and on his cardillege. Jinyoung liked the way JB looked when he was wearing all of his piercings, it gave me a tougher and more mature appearance even if he was just a teenager. His hair was blonde, almost completely white and Jinyoung missed his dark hair. He thought that he looked good with this hair color too but he liked his natural hair best. 

 

Jinyoung watched JB’s reactions to the movie and sometimes JB would glance his way and say something about what was happening in the film. Jinyoung would smile, nod and offer back a comment or light tease about how JB is actually enjoying the movie unlike he said he would. Sometimes JB would catch him staring and Jinyoung had to rip his eyes away and focus on the television. He didn’t want JB to catch him, he didn’t know what he’d say if he did, so he always looked  away the second JB turned his head. Except for once when he fucked up. He was gazing so intently at his hyung and thinking that he didn’t notice his head turn. Then their eyes locked on each and JB didn’t look away. Instead he gave Jinyoung an intense yet unreadable look and after a few more seconds he turned back. 

 

_ Ohmygod he caught me starring at him! _

_ What am I gonna say if he brings this up?  _

_ How do I explain?  _

_ And what was that look?  _

_ What did my face look like that he looked at me like that?  _

 

Jinyoung usually tries to keep an unreadable expression on his face but after knowing each other and living with each other this whole time JB has learned to read him. He’s the first to notice when Jinyoung is angry or upset. And he’s always there to listen to him and support him through it all. That’s what bandmates are for right? No that’s not it. JB isn’t just his bandmate he’s his best friend. 

 

This thought brings a smile back to his face as the credits role and on the second film. JB has said something to him but he didn’t hear it. He looks up at him still smiling and about to ask him to repeat himself when JB speaks first. 

 

“Yah, get that smug smile off your face!” JB scolds and this makes Jinyoung laugh. “The movies were good okay. I’m not saying I liked them but they weren’t awful.”

“Sure, hyung, whatever you say.” Jinyoung says still smiling and goes to pick up the bowls of ramen that have long since been abandoned. JB pulls out his phone and checks the time. 

“Shit it’s past one in the morning already. We should go to sleep.”

“Yeah you’re probably right.” Jinyoung says starting the dishes. “I’m going to finish this up first.” 

“Okay.” JB nods and goes into their room. 

 

When Jinyoung finishes up and heads back to their room he isn’t expecting JB to be awake so he slowly steps in and closes the door, shutting off the lights. Just as he climbs into bed and and gets comfortable he hears JB ask, 

 

“Will Harry ever find any family that isn’t horrible to him? Like I know that his parents are dead but isn’t there like another uncle or grandma or godparent out there?” at the mention of a godparent Jinyoung starts snickering. 

“You just have to wait to see, hyung. I think you’ll find the third film very interesting.”

“Oh? What’s in the third film? What happens?” JB asks excitedly rising from bed. 

“I’m not telling.” Jinyoung says through a smile glad that he got JB interested.

“Fine.” JB whines. 

“Told you’d like it” 

“Shut up!” JB hisses. “I never said I liked it, I’m just curious is all.” 

“Okay. Okay. Goodnight.”

“Night.” 

 

Jinyoung drifts off to sleep happy as he thinks about this evenings events. Even though they didn’t do anything Jinyoung still feels like he had a lot of fun. It was nice to spend a nice night in with his best friend just watching a movie. 

Jinyoung dreams about them back on the couch watching the third movie and he’s looking at JB again. Again he is caught staring and JB gives him that same intense and unreadable look. Jinyoung holds his gaze feeling confident all of a sudden, like he’s ready for a stare down. Instead JB moves closer, so does Jinyoung. They hold their gazes. Jinyoung can now feel JB’s hand on his knee, he breaks eye contact to look at it without meaning to and the next thing he feels is his head being tilted up and lips pressed against his own. He melts into the kiss and as he puts a hand behind JB’s neck to bring him forward. The kiss deeps and he’s beginning to feel breathless as he feels JB’s tongue exploring his mouth. Just then he hears an annoying beeping coming from his left side. 

 

He’s pulled out of his dream by his alarm. He opens his eyes realising that it was a dream, now startled. He presses his fingers to his lips and swears he can still feel them tingle from JB’s kiss.

 

_ What the fuck was that?  _


	3. Chapter 3

Jinyoung bolted upright in his bed and took a couple of deep breathes. What was that dream just now? Why did he dream he was kissing his best friend? That he was kissing JB?

 

“You okay?” JB asks from his bed, just getting up himself. He wore a worried expression as he looked at Jinyoung.

“Yeah. Bad dream I guess.” Jinyoung said quietly.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” JB asked coming over to sit on Jinyoung’s bed and threw an arm around him. 

“No, it’s okay. I already forgot it.” he was hyper aware of how close JB was and of the arm on his shoulders.

“Mmm, okay. Well I’m going to shower first then.” JB stood up to gather his shower things. 

“Okay.” 

 

When he left Jinyoung missed the heat and pressure of his arm around him. It was comforting and nice. JB didn’t like to show much skinship but he would do it sometimes when they were alone and one or the other needed comforting. The image of the kiss was still in Jinyoung’s mind when he went to shower and when he got out. He knew today would be a long day. 

 

___

 

The day dragged on. Their schedules were not super packed and they had some hours of downtime in between. Jinyoung hated the downtime because it left him alone with nothing but his own thoughts. JB had decided that he was going to nap every chance he got claiming that a certain someone wouldn’t let him sleep because of the movie he insisted they watch. 

 

“I said we’d watch one and that’s all. You’re the one who suggested moving on to the second on hyung.” Jinyoung provided when JB brought it up, never missing an opportunity to tease his hyung. 

“I don’t remember that. I think it just started playing on it’s own and you said let’s watch.” JB tried to defend with his very selective memory of conversation.

“You didn’t have to stay up and watch it though.” Jinyoung smiled at the flustered JB as he walked away to get comfortable for his nap. He could see the tips of his ears getting red and he knew he had won. 

 

Talking to JB is easy. They’ve developed a really close friendship since they were trainees and even more so now as JJ Project. Jinyoung was happy to have JB in his life because he always kept him grounded and sane. When his anxiety would spiral out of control JB would always be there to help him back up and never pushed him to talk about it. Jinyoung always appreciated that because he wouldn’t be able to explain half of his mental breakdowns to people, even if those people were his best friend. 

 

As JB settled in for his nap Jinyoung looked for something to do. They had about an hour until the next schedule and he didn’t feel tired enough to sleep, so he just watched JB as he slowly nodded off. It was amazing to him how JB could fall asleep anywhere. He would droop in his chair, hands clasped, legs apart and instantly asleep. He wore the same calm face that he wears when he sleeps in the dorm. Jinyoung smiled to himself as he watched his elder sleeping in what looked like a very uncomfortable chair and a less comfortable position. He thought for a brief moment to suggest a message after he woke up to lessen the tension in his muscles. But then he caught himself.  _ Would that be weird to offer JB?  _ he thought,  _ no it’s okay, we’re friends, friends do that, right? I just want him to be in top shape for the rest of the day. I know how sensitive his back is.  _

 

He looked fondly at his hyung as his eyes began to droop. In his dream he was back on the couch with JB, they were kissing once more. Jinyoung’s hands were in JB’s hair and JB had his hands on Jinyoung’s sides. He pushed him down onto the couch and was now on top of him. He never broke the kiss as they got into this new position. Jinyoung felt right lying on his back with JB hovering over him, he liked the strength and control JB was showing. He pulled JB down closer to him so that he could feel his chest pressed against his own. They continued kissing, it was hot and all tongue, but also experimental. Jinyoung felt brave and ran his hands down JB’s back feeling the muscle there. This must have inspired the other to go further because Jinyoung could feel hot fingers begin to sneak their way under his shirt.  _ It feels so good,  _ he thinks. He wants JB to go further and…

 

“Jinyoung! Jinyoung! Wake up, it’s time to go” their manager was shaking him awake. For the second time that day Jinyoung was pulled out of a wonderful dream startled and confused. He didn't know what his dream meant but he knew that he needed to stop that line of thinking immediately and focus on his work. 

 

__

 

The day progressed and Jinyoung felt more and more awkward around JB. Even though he knows there’s no way JB would guess what he dreamed about, he still had this irrational fear that it was written all over his face. The breaks in between schedules didn’t help because if JB wasn’t trying to talk to him about this or that then Jinyoung was alone and the thoughts of him and JB crept back up. He could count five more times that he caught his thoughts drifting to his hyung and how his muscles looked and felt under Jinyoung’s thin fingers. The skin felt hot and it made Jinyoung want to stretch out and touch the JB who was sitting across from him and not the one in his dream.

 

_ Stop.  _

_ You need to stop this. _

_ You should not think about your best friend like this. _

_ It’s sick! _

 

He chided himself every time those thoughts came up and had to take a couple of deep breaths to calm down and push the thoughts away. By the end of the night he had exhausted himself both mentally and physically and all he wanted to do was go to bed. Luckily JB wasn’t in the mood to keep talking or staying up so he figured they can both just call it a night. 

 

“I’m so tired. I’m going to shower then go to bed. How about you?” JB asked stretching as he gathered his things. 

“Yeah I’m going to shower than go to bed too.” Jinyoung replied. 

 

JB left for his shower and Jinyoung searched his shelf for a good book to read. He needed to distract himself from the thoughts that wouldn’t go away. So he started reading the a romance novel.

 

_ Shit. _

_ Why did I pick this one to read?  _

_ Even if it is one of my favorites it’s not helping. _

 

Jinyoung was about to set the book down and find something else to read when JB walked in. Wearing only basketball shorts and chest still moist and glistening from the shower, Jinyoung couldn’t help but stare. JB worked out and kept his body in really good shape, even though he's seen it many times it’s never struck him like this. He could barely rip his eyes away from the others chest. 

 

“Uh, you can go shower now if you want.” JB suggested rather awkwardly, he must of caught Jinyoung starring. It seems like he’s been doing that a lot lately. 

“Uh yeah.” Jinyoung grabbed his towel and left. He swore his could still feel his jaw hanging open as he left.  _ Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. _

 

In the shower Jinyoung turned on the cold water and tried to push the image of JB out of his head, but he couldn’t, the more he tried the stronger the image became and it began to mix with the image of them kissing on the couch together.  _ Fuck,  _ Jinyoung thought as he felt himself harden at the thought. He was now picturing JB and himself naked and kissing in the shower. His hands were everywhere, touching JB’s chest and arms, knotting his fingers in his hair to bring him closer and flush to his own hot, wet body. 

 

Jinyong began to stroke himself as his thoughts ran wild and began to escalate. His wished that is wasn’t his hand that was stroking him but a larger and much stronger hand. He whimpered and tried to suppress his moans as he came all over his hand and the shower tile. When he opened his eyes and realized that he has just jacked off to his best friend he felt ashamed. He quickly finished his shower and got out. He instantly went for his toiletry pouch and took out the knife that he kept there. 

 

This time there was no hesitation he began cutting lines into his thigh, he kept slashing away missing a few times but succeeding even more. 

 

_ Stupid!Stupid!Stupid! _

_ You are disgusting! _

_ How could you do that thinking about your hyung? _

_ JB is your best friend! _

_ What if he heard you?  _

_ What if he finds out what you think about him? _

 

The lines of red began to seep blood and it ran down his leg. He felt nauseous when he saw it. He had cut way more and much deeper than he had intended. Realising his mess he began sobbing. He couldn’t take it anymore. The whole day was just a mess. His thoughts wouldn't leave him alone and now this? It was too much for him.  _ Stop, I just want it to stop!  _ He begged although not exactly sure to who. 

 

He was still holding the knife when he slashed his wrist out of frustration and  _ oh shit!  _ He stared down at his wrist where there was a dark red line forming. Not enough to draw blood but enough to leave a mark for a couple of days.  _ Shit shit shit!  _ He thought to himself,  _ no visible marks! You can’t leave any visible marks!  _ This made him only sob harder as he dropped the knife and curled in on himself. He sat like that sobbing for another five minutes before he became too aware of him current condition. The blood on his leg had come to a stop and the wounds stung. It was becoming uncomfortable. He looked at the blood and the marks on his thigh. He forced himself to look and to accept what he had done to himself. 

 

He cleaned himself up and put ointment on his wounds and went to get dressed. Only now did he realise that he was so caught up with JB fresh out of the shower that he forgot to bring a change of clothes. He couldn’t go out in his street clothes and then come back to change into his pajamas, JB would definitely look at him weird and ask him why he didn’t just put something on while in the room. He had no choice but to walk out in his boxers, holding his clothes and towel in one hand to hopefully cover his thigh so JB couldn’t see the marks. 

 

His bad luck continued as he walked in the room and saw that JB was still awake. He looked up at him like he wanted to ask something but decided against it. Jniyong guessed it was probably why he took so long in the shower. Or maybe he could hear him sobbing or worse...

Jinyoung went to his bed and pulled on his basketball shorts and t-shirt to sleep in. He hoped JB wasn’t looking at him and wouldn't notice his thigh. But he was looking and he did notice.

 

“Jinyoungie?” JB asked in an unusually gentle voice.

“Yeah?” Jinyoung froze not daring to turn around as he put his towel on it’s hook.

“What wrong with your thigh?” JB asked pointedly.

“Nothing.” Jinyoung answered trying his best to be nonchalant even though he knows he’s already been caught. 

“Oh really? Then why is it bleeding?” JB had gotten up and was now standing directly behind Jinyoung trapping him by the door. 

“It’s nothing, hyung, really, it must just be a scratch. I’ll got take care of it now.” Jinyoung tired as he made his way for the door. 

“Show me it then. I’ll tend to it for you.” JB more demanded than asked.

“No really it’s fine. I got it” 

“Jinyoung don't lie to me!” JB growled and pinned him to the door as he leaned down and pulled up the side of Jinyoung's shorts on the left leg. And just like JB said there was blood. The gashes had not closed all the way and had reopened by the time Jinyoung had walked to his room and gotten dressed. 

 

At the sight of them JB’s face flashed with a dozen emotions from appald to angry to sad and finally landed on worried.

 

“Jinyoungie,” he said very gently again. “What is this?” Jinyoung couldn’t look at him, he couldn't meet his eyes but he wasn’t given a choice as JB took his chin in his hand and turned his head to face his. This was too familiar for Jinyoung, too similar to his dream of them kissing on the couch. So Jinyoung broke, he slide down the door and began to cry. In part from being caught for something stupid that he did and in part because the thoughts he was trying so desperately to push away came rushing back. 

 

“Shhh, it’s okay. I’m here for you.” JB wrapped his arms around Jinyoung and he could feel the heat coming off the elder as his strong muscles enveloped him and made him feel like a small child, but secure. 

‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Jaebummie.” Jinyoung sobbed and he wasn't even sure what he was apologizing for. All he knew was that he liked being held in JB’s embrace and hoped he’d never let go of him. 

“Shhh. Calm down Jinyoungie.” JB tried to calm him down as he cradled his shaking body in his own. 

 

Jinyoung knew he shouldn’t push his luck but he felt like a wreck and he really needed something to hold onto and keep him grounded. He reached out for JB’s hand, gently brushing against it hoping the elder would catch on and permit him to take it. Noticing the gesture JB took Jinyoung's hand and held it in his. He stroked his hair and waited until Jinyoung's sobs subsided. At one point he was patting his hand and saw the deep red mark on the other’s wrist and stared at it. When he felt Jinyoung notice him looking at it he covered it with his other hand and squeezed lightly as if living it to go away. Jinyoung wished that it would. Wished that it would all just go away and he could sit in JB’s embrace and be happy. 

 

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” JB said as the other's sobs had stopped and they were now just sitting on the cold floor. He picked him up still by their held hands and guided him to his bed. Jinyoung sat down on his bed and looked at their hands, he didn’t want to let go JB’s hand. So they just sat there awhile before JB asked “Do you wanna sleep together tonight?” 

Jinyoung nodded. Elated that he did not have to ask himself and that JB could read him so well and knew exactly what he need. It’s not the first time they shared a bed. They slept together a few times before when one or the other was facing homesickness or other trainee related stress. It helped to sleep with someone familiar. It felt safe. 

 

JB went to shut off the lights and they both got into Jinyoung’s bed. Since there wasn’t much room the spooned to fit. JB threw an arm around Jinyoung who took it as a sign to lace their hands together again, the other showed to no sign of protest so he hoped it was okay. 

 

“Goodnight Jinyoungie.” JB said as he hugged the other a little tighter. 

“Good Night.” Jinyoung said in barely a whisper. 

 

His brain was too tired to process what just happened and the fact that JB was holding him so tightly. His feelings for JB were still unclear to him and he’s sure this isn’t going to help clear anything up and now he knows about the marks on his thigh and wrist. But Jinyoung couldn't think about any of that right now because he was too tired and too comfortable to care. He could panic about it in the morning when he knew he’d have to have a very difficult conversation with JB to explain what happened tonight. So he squeezed JB’s hand tighter, setting aside the anxious thoughts that threatened to consume him as he drifted off to sleep. 


	4. Chapter 4

JB wakes up first the next morning. He gently unwraps himself from Jinyoung and gazes down at his sleeping form. He looks so calm when he’s sleeping, peaceful and content. JB wonders what could have driven him to cut himself like that.  _ What goes on inside that head that he doesn’t share with me?  _ JB thinks,  _ If there is something bothering him I wish he’d tell me, I’ll listen every day for hours if it meant he wouldn’t need to hurt himself.  _ JB strokes the others hair a bit before getting up and going to make breakfast, he decides it's still too early to wake him so he lets Jinyoung sleep in. 

 

Jinyoung on the other hand is already awake and has been for some time now. He didn’t want to part with JB being so close to him, arm wrapped around his torso, it felt nice, it distracted him enough to forget how hard today is going to be. He could feel JB’s hand stroke his hair and linger there a bit after, he could feel his eyes on him before he left. Jinyoung was at a loss.

 

_ What does this mean?  _

_ He’s never this gentle and caring. _

 

Then he remembers that when he finally decides to get up and walk out that dor he’s going to have to face JB and explain to him about the marks and about why he broke down last night. He moved further under the covers, he didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to face the reality that lay beyond that door.  _ Maybe I can just pretend to sleep until it’s time to leave for practice?  _ He thought to himself and decided to do just that. 

 

“Jinyoung.” JB came in after half an hour to wake him but he refused to move, “I know you’re awake Nyoung.”

“Good morning.” Jinyoung said as he rose to a sitting position, not meeting his friend's eyes. 

“We don’t have practice for another couple hours. I think we should talk.” Jinyoung looked at the clock and saw that it was only 8:30,  _ so much for sleeping in,  _ he thought. 

“Talk about what?” he asks dumbly, he knows exactly what about but he doesn’t want to be the one to say it. 

“About the marks on your leg and…” JB’s sentence was left hanging, Jinyoung knew what he meant and was glad the other didn’t explicitly mention his breakdown so early in the morning. 

“Yeah.” Jinyoung nodded in agreement but refused to say more. 

 

A silence fell over them for about a minutes, neither daring to speak. 

 

“Why?” JB breathed out the question, shattering the silence. Jinyoung was suddenly struck by the question because he knew it was coming but now that he hears it he has absolutely no idea how to respond to it.

“I don’t know…” he decides to say because it’s the closest thing to the truth.

“Then why do you do it?” JB tries gently, obviously growing more and more uncomfortable with the situation. 

“As punishment I guess.” he sniffles, at some point he’s begun crying,  _ that’s all I seem to do lately,  _ he says to himself. 

“What are you punishing yourself for? You haven’t done anything wrong.” JB says as he hands Jinyoung the tissues. 

“But I do! All the time! You just don’t see it. I mess up in practice and when we interview I feel like I always say the wrong thing. I try to keep up a happy smile for the cameras but it’s so hard when inside my head I’m screaming at myself for fucking up!” Jinyoung sobs out, he doesn’t care about bottling it up anymore, he can’t take it, he doesn’t want this pain anymore. 

“We all mess up sometimes. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself and you shouldn’t hurt yourself as punishment.”

“I know, hyung, I know. I’ve been telling myself to stop for weeks but it’s only gotten worse.” Jinyoung admits reluctantly. 

“Talk to me then. Please.” he begged. “If you’re hurt or angry or frustrated take it out on me. Hit me or talk to me, anything. Just don’t take it out on yourself...please.” 

“I can’t do that to you. I can’t force you to listen to me every day complaining about how I fucked up everything. It’s not fair to you.”

“I want you to though. I’m your friend Jinyoungie and I’m here for you. Let me help.” Jinyoung wants to give in and say yes, he wants to accept this offer and stop the cutting, but the alarm bells in his head are going off telling him how that would be wrong and selfish. “At least give it a shot.” JB makes a final plea for Jinyoung to rely on him instead of the knife. 

 

Jinyoung doesn’t say anything for awhile but then he nods. The silence stretches out as they sit on his bed. He desperately wants to reach out and take JB’s had for some comfort but he doesn’t feel like he can. 

 

“What do you use?” JB asks suddenly. 

“What do you mean?” Jinyoung asks thrown off by the question. 

“To cut, um, your thigh, what did you use?” JB asks again realising now just how the question sounds. 

“A knife.” Jinyoung deadpans.

“Where is it?” JB demands. Jinyoung gets up and goes to his toiletries case and pulls out the small knife.

“Give it to me.” JB says and yanks it out of Jinyoung’s hand before he can ask or protest. “This is going to stop today.” 

“Uh…” Jinyoung is about to protest but doesn’t know what to say or why he’s protesting at all since he agreed to give JB a chance. 

“No. I’m going to hide this so you can’t be tempted, okay?” 

“Yeah.” Jinyoung agrees. Even though he’s only woken up he already feels exhausted and ready to go back to bed. 


	5. Chapter 5

As the days progressed and their schedules became more and more packed Jinyoung found it comforting to talk to JB about things that were worrying him. He realised that because they are doing this together a lot of his worries are shared by his friend. They’ve gotten closer through their nightly talks and Jinyoung feels a lot better. His anxiety still reaches critical points sometimes and he can’t really express why he’s feeling the way he is but JB always listens and tries to calm him down regardless. 

 

It’s become so comforting and familiar to be so intimate about his private thoughts, but it’s also killing him inside. He’s getting so much closer now to JB but yet he’s getting nowhere with his feelings for him. He realises and accepts now that he’s in love with his best friend and probably has been for months. Every time they get close and talk Jinyoung feels his heart melt at the attention and comfort, but when he pulls away and when he is alone on his bed he remembers that that is something he can never have. 

 

He can’t kiss JB goodnight and cuddle with him in the same bed. They can’t sleep together and go on dates. He can’t even hold his hand in public (although he’s gotten brave and held it twice while they were talking). JB never pushes him away whenever they talk, if he gets a little clingy JB just accepts it and allows him to do it. This has butterflies swarming around in Jinyoung’s stomach and then sadness in his heart when he remembers that it is only platonic and he should not try to go any further. 

 

__

 

He has to keep telling himself that he shouldn’t kiss JB when they’re talking. That he can’t kiss him because he is his best friend and probably not into guys and definitely not into Jinyoung. 

 

_ But what if he is? _

_ You never know… _

_ He’s letting you act cuddly and he’s opening up to you. _

_ It could mean something. _

_ Something like maybe he likes…. _

 

“Shut up!” he yells at his own head. 

 

His mind has become hopeful lately. He is beginning to believe it when it tells him that maybe JB has more than just platonic feelings for him. Maybe, just maybe there’s hope for him, for them…

 

“You okay?” JB asks getting up from his chair to go over to Jinyoung. They’re in the recording studio now, JB is working on some songs and Jinyoung is helping out, or at least trying not be distracting. 

 

“Yeah. How’s the song going?” Jinyoung asks hoping to change the subject.

“It’s okay I guess. I can’t figure out the melody. I don’t know yet what direction I want to take the song.”

“Hmm.” Jinyoung nods thoughtfully and this is a que for JB to sit and go on. It’s been like that a lot lately, Jinyoung will offer a hum in understanding to signal that he’s ready for a long conversation if necessary. JB has picked up on it and now does the same. It’s their way of letting each other know that they need talk time. 

 

JB goes into explaining the song he’s working on and the type of sound he wants from it but it’s not there yet. Jinyoung likes what he hears so far but is also at a loss on how to proceed. Or maybe it’s just that today he is finding that his mind is too distracted and cannot focus very well on what JB is saying. He loves it when the other becomes passionate about his music and shares it with Jinyoung because he normally will keep it to himself until he feels it’s presentable. 

 

Jinyoung can’t focus on what’s being said anymore. All he can focus on are JB’s lips. They’re hunched together at the table looking at JB’s sheet music. Their lips are so close that it would only take a second to close the distance and kiss. JB is scowling at his sheet music now clearly frustrated. Jinyoung thinks he should do something to make him feel better. 

 

Before he could stop himself his hand is going to cup JB’s face and he brings their lips together. There is an instant when JB is still, unmoving and then he kisses back. It’s soft and gentle, almost like his lips are not moving at all and Jinyoung can’t be sure if he is actually kissing back or if those are just his own lips at work. 

 

There’s a knock at the door and JB flies away from Jinyoung to open it. The producer has come into talk to JB about how his latest song is going. JB acts completely natural, as if nothing just happened between the two of them, but not Jinyoung. He is a mess. 

 

_ I can’t believe I just did that! _

_ Oh my god!  _

_ How am I going to explain this?  _

_ Wait wait wait _

_ Did he actually kiss back or was it my imagination.  _

 

Jinyoung decides that there’s no way JB could have kissed him back and makes a break for the door while the other is distracted. He runs back to the dorms not bothering to tell JB or their manager. 

 

_ Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! _

_ I can’t do this anymore! _

_ Why do I always think there’s hope when there isn’t?! _

_ There’s no way he feels the same way. _

_ He didn’t kiss back. _

_ It was all my imagination I just know it.  _

 

Jinyoung is sobbing as he pulls out all of the drawers in their shared room.  _ Where is it? Where is it?  _ JB hid the knife after Jinyoung left the room so he doesn’t know where he hid it. He flips JB’s desk and dresser upside down before he finds it at the back of a drawer filled with pens and sheet music. He runs to the bathroom and pulls up the sleeve on his arm. The mark on his wrist from last time's gone by now but it doesn’t matter because there will be another one to replace it. 

 

He takes the knife and is about to slash his wrist when he remembers JB and how he agreed he wasn’t going to do this anymore.  _ Fuck it,  _ he thinks, it doesn’t matter anymore. He’s screwed up so bad with JB that there’s no going back now. Without hesitation this time he brings the blade down on his skin. It’s not deep enough and only leaves a red line. He tries again. And again.  _ Did he dull the blade?  _

 

He keeps slashing at his wrist until he hears the bathroom door open. He forgot to lock it? No, maybe he wanted to get caught. 

 

“Jinyoung stop!” JB demands and goes to pull the blade out of his hand. 

“No!” Jinyoung screams and slashes one more time before JB is able to get the blade away. His last attempt proved successful because there is now a red line of blood running down his hand. He looks at it and then just stares. The blood is gushing out at a much larger rate than it normally does on his thigh. While he stares at the blood that is now dripping onto the tile floor JB is running around looking for the first aid kit.

 

When he finds it he drags Jinyoung up to a standing position and puts his hand in the sink, washing away the blood with cool water. 

 

“I think you cut a vein. Let’s hope not because then you’ll have to go to the hospital and…”

 

Jinyoung isn’t listening to him. He’s still mesmerized by the gash on his wrist. If he hit a vein he could have bled out. If JB hadn’t burst in he doesn’t know that he’d stop the blood and dress the wound. 

 

_ What am I living for right now anyway?  _

 

“Jinyoung. Jinyoung!” JB has been talking to him but he didn’t hear a word. 

“What?” he asks casually coming out of his daze and realising the pain and pressure on his wrist. He looks down and notices that JB has completely dressed the wound and put a bandage on it. 

“Let’s go.” JB says as he leads him out of the bathroom and into their shared room. “What was that about Jinyoung?” JB asks clearly upset with him.

“I don’t know. I just wanted to do it.” Jinyoung shrugs.

“You were going to stop. You were doing so well.” JB says with disappointment in his voice and it breaks Jinyoung's heart to hear it. 

“Yeah I know I said I was going to. I fucked up again. Let every other time.” he concedes and slumps in his bed. “Like in the studio just now.” he says under his breath hoping JB didn’t hear it.

“Stop. You didn't fuck up. Listen, I don’t think now is the best time to talk about it. You don’t have a clear head.” he did hear it but is choosing to ignore it for now. 

“Okay.” he nods and allows the kiss to slip past them without mention and he’s glad it those. 

 

_ I’m not ready for that conversation. I can’t be scolded and rejected in the same day by him. There’s only so much pain I can take.  _

 


	6. Chapter 6

They let the silence wash over them. They sit like that for several minutes before JB speaks.

 

“Are you hungry? I’m going to make some dinner.” 

“Sure.” Jinyoung nods not really sure what else he can say but if it means getting JB out of the room he’ll take it.

“Come sit in the living room. We can watch the third Harry Potter movie. You said I’ll have to wait and see what happens right? Well I’m tired of waiting.” JB suggests but Jinyoung knows that it’s his way of keeping an eye on him. He doesn’t trust him enough to leave him alone in the room and Jinyoung doesn’t blame him. 

 

He doesn’t put up a fight, just gets up and walks out of their shared room. He sits in the living room in front of the TV surfing through channels killing time until JB is done with dinner. JB is in the kitchen that is connected to the living room, he can feel JB looking at him every now and again as if making sure he’s still there just watching TV. 

 

Jinyoung grips his arm and digs his thumb into his wrist making it hurt.  _ I hate this.  _ It’s awkward between them. There’s words to be said but neither is ready to say them yet. It hangs in the air and Jinyoung is suffocating. He doesn’t want to explain to JB why he broke and cut himself, he doesn’t really want to acknowledge that he did at all, and he especially doesn’t want to acknowledge the kiss and the rejection that will follow.  _ I hate this _ , he repeats to himself as he digs his thumb into his wrist again. 

 

When JB finished with dinner and brings the plates over and Jinyoung pops in the DVD. He doesn’t look at JB a he takes his plate or when JB asks how long the movie is. 

 

“Same as the others two.” he says flatly. 

 

They proceed to watch the movie and eat their dinner. There’s no commentary this time. Neither speaks and Jinyoung tries not to look at JB. He doesn’t want to know what he looks like, he doesn’t want to see that sullen face he wears when he’s worrying over something. Jinyoung doesn’t want JB to worry over him. But he looks anyway because this is too familiar, too much like the first night they watched Harry Potter. He regrets it instantly, JB looks so absorbed in the film and he doesn’t wear his sullen face, instead it is bright yet brooding, as if trying to figure out what will happen next in the film. 

 

Jinyoung smiles to himself, he likes to see him so enthralled by the movie, he’s glad he likes it.

 

_ I wish we weren’t watching it like this. _

_ With this heavy cloud looming over us and the awkwardness. _

_ I wanted to talk to him about different scenes in the movie and how they relate to the other movies and books. _

 

Jinyoung goes for his wrist again, he’s been prodding at it all evening. He remembers his dream again and how they were sitting on the couch and began kissing. Then he thinks back to the studio today. It feels like it’s been days but it’s only been a couple hours. He hates how such a nice memory of them sitting together and watching Harry Potter has been tainted by so much over the past few days. He can’t even bring up the joy he felt in the moment anymore because all he can think about are the forbidden thoughts and how he fucked up. 

 

_ I’m not gonna cry.  _

_ I refuse. _

_ Not about this. Not again.  _

 

He jams his thumb into his wrist again and feels the burning hot sting that results from too much pressure. He’s sure he’s opened up the cut again and it’s bleeding under the bandage. He doesn’t care though, the physical pain is better than the emotional one. 

 

“Stop touching it.” JB says without looking at him, he still has his eyes planted on the TV but he no longer has the bright look on his face. “You’ve been poking at it all through the movie, you’ve probably opened the cut up.”

 

_ He noticed? _

 

“Let me see it.” JB moves for his wrist.

“No it’s fine, I’m fine.” Jinyoung hides his arm behind a pillow.

“Okay.” JB says reluctantly but let’s it drop.

__

 

After the credits stop and the screen goes black they sit there in silence. Neither is tired yet and both are anxious to talk about the things that transpired tonight. Jinyoung wants to break the silence, he wants to ask about the movie, anything just for them to start talking and stop this awkwardness. 

 

“So did you like the movie?” he asks trying to sound enthusiastic. 

“Jinyoung we need to talk…” JB looks at him gravely as he speaks.

“Yes talk about the movie! He has family now that doesn't suck! Well Sirius has to go away but he will come back in the other movies you’ll see.” Jinyoung tries to divert the conversation.

“Jinyoung…” 

“Well actually there’s one part where he comes back and they’re fighting and then...oh man it’s terrible. You just have to keep watching. When I read it it hurt, I couldn’t believe she did that.” Jinyoung was getting up now trying to make a hasty retreat to their room to sleep. 

“Jinyoung! Sit down!” JB yelled pulling him back down on the couch. JB has always been short tempered but Jinyoung has never been on the receiving end on of his anger, not like this at least. 

“Fine.” he murmured as he sat down and clasped his hands in his lap like a schoolboy ready to be scolded. The silence fell over them again, JB spoke first.

“I don’t know how to talk about this.” he admitted.

“Neither do I.” 

“Why did you do it?” JB tries, deciding it’s best to just jump right in. For a moment Jinyoung doesn’t know what he’s talking about and needs to ask.

“Do what? I think I did two really stupid things today.” he doesn’t want to say either out loud but knows he’ll have to acknowledge them if he ever wants to leave and go to bed. 

“You pick. I think we have to talk about both.” 

“Well, yeah, there’s no getting around it I guess, they kinda relate to each other.” 

“How do you mean?” JB had his suspicions that the two were related but refused to voice them in case he was wrong. The truth is he’s been thinking about the kiss the whole time and still doesn’t know what to make of it. 

 

Jinyoung isn’t sure how to even begin this conversation. He doesn’t want to have this conversation but there is something about JB that makes him weak, he’s never been able to lie or hold anything back from him.

 

“I...well...I…” Jinyoung tries to start then takes a moment to collect himself. “I kissed you and then I realised I fucked up...I don’t know why but my first instinct was to go for the knife. To punish myself for fucking up, like I used to do…” he decided to leave it there not knowing what else to say. 

“You could have stayed and talked to me about it.” 

Jinyoung didn’t have anything to say in response to this, he didn’t know why he ran, he just did. 

“Why do you think you fucked up?” JB asks after a couple of moments of silence. Jinyoung was thrown by the question. 

 

_ What? _

_ What does he mean? _

_ I kissed him. Of course that means I fucked up. _

 

“Because I kissed you and I shouldn’t have.” Jinyoung says looking away from his best friend. 

“Do you regret it?” he asks. 

 

_ Why is he doing this?  _

_ Why is he asking me all these questions? _

_ I thought he would just drop it. _

 

“Yeah. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done it.” 

“I’m not.” JB says taking Jinyoung’s hand. “I am sorry for not kissing back. I was so stunned. I felt something shift in the air when we were huddled over the sheet music and I wanted to kiss you but I didn’t think you’d do it first.” 

 

_ Wait what!?!? _

_ What was JB saying?  _

_ He was going crazy now because that could not be right. _

_ Did JB just say he wanted to kiss  _ **_him?_ **

 

“Wait, wait, wait, what?” Jinyoung asks on the verge of tears because he is so confused and hurt. He thinks JB is making a fool of him with some lame joke. “If this is a joke please stop. I can’t take it. Please, hyung, no more.”

“Jinyoungie.” JB reaches over and takes his hand. “Why did you kiss me?” 

“I...I…” he was choking up now, he couldn’t reveal his feeling for JB but there’s no point in hiding them now. “Because I like you. That’s why if this is a joke please stop! Don’t make a mockery of my feelings for you! I know you don’t feel the same so just drop it okay?” he sobs. 

“Jinyoung…” JB tilts his head up so their eyes can meet. “Haven’t you heard anything I said. Do I have to spell it out for you?” 

“Yes.” 

“I like you too.” JB says cupping his face. His hand is warm, it lingers there and then he pulls it away. 

“What?” Jinyoung is even more confused now. 

“It’s not a joke. I like you Jinyoungie.”

“Since when?” he asked utterly perplexed by the situation and still not believing a word.

“A couple months ago.” JB admits as he scratches his neck seeming awkward and uncomfortable to admit it. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I was scarred.” 

“Me too.” 

 

They both start laughing at how utterly ridiculous the situation is. Ten minutes ago they were sitting in silence with a heavy cloud looming over them and now they are making confessions and laughing like it’s the funniest thing in the world. 

 

“Can I kiss you now?” JB asks cupping his face once again and Jinyoung likes the warmth on his cheek.

“Yes.” Jinyoung nods and leans in. 

 

They kiss for real this time and Jinyoung can feel JB kiss back. The kiss is slow and cautious, they barely open their lips but soon it gets more intense. JB kisses him like he’s starved for it, like the only thing he ever wants to do is kiss jinyoung like he is his oxygen. Jinyoung lets him and kisses back with the same force. They part after a couple minutes breathless and lips slick and swollen. They sit on the couch and try to catch their breath. Jinyoung isn’t sure what they are now, are they boyfriends or are they still just friends? 

 

He doesn’t need an answer right now, instead he takes JB’s hand and guides them into their shared room. They can discuss it in the morning but right now it’s time to go to bed. And for the first time in a long time Jinyoung goes to bed completely worry free and content as he feels JB’s arm wrapped around him as he drifts off to sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Sorry for any mistakes. Comments and criticisms welcome.


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